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Passion Sequel in the Works

Elated at the success of Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ," an employee of Icon Productions has leaked a super-secret memo detailing plans for a sequel. The project, tentatively named "The Passion: Reloaded," takes place during the 40-day period following Jesus' resurrection.

The memo to potential investors begins:

With the amazing success of "The Passion of the Christ," Icon Productions sees a market for a follow-on project. Think Jesus meets Rambo. We'll begin with the death of Jesus and ask the question, what happened during the three days the Savior was in the tomb? Taking cues from the Nicene Creed, we'll follow Jesus into Hades where we envision a martial arts duel between Jesus and hundreds of satanic beings: think Neo and the multiple Mr. Andersons in the burly brawl scene.

Next, the Resurrection. Jesus leaves the tomb and joins Peter and Mary. The plan? To kick some Roman butt! But first, it's time to take care of some unfinished business: a little visit to the High Priest. Imagine his shock when he answers the door. "I'm baaaaack."

Those who criticized the first film for its passive Jesus will be happy to hear that the sequel has plenty of action. Mary will be a major character, and we expect to portray her as a martial arts champion—think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon—to widen her appeal in the feminist market.

The memo also hints at a video game tie-in. Gibson's press agent would not verify the memo's authenticity, but industry sources say that with "The Passion" attaining blockbuster status, everyone now expects Jesus to return very soon.CLeH

Rapture Alert System Ready

Armageddon Associates announced today that it has implemented its new wireless end times alert system. Called Elija, for Electronic Instantaneous Jesus Alert, the patented system is designed to help Christians assess the nearness of the Second Coming.

"No believer can be ready for Rapture 24/7," explained spokesperson Destiny Dearborn. "Elija uses proprietary algorithms to assess the likelihood of Rapture in much the same way that our Dept. of Homeland Security does."

"In Jesus' day, people had the time to stand on their rooftops and watch the sky. Today, Christians are simply too busy. Elija takes the worry out of Rapture. Our motto is: "When Jesus is ready, you'll be ready, and not a moment before."

Many see the new system as a practical aid to their faith. "I've been a Christian all my life," remarked Elija user Barney. "You know how it is. I like the ladies—sometimes I surf the porn sites, or I might have a sister over to study the Song of Solomon and one thing leads to another. Hey, I'm human, so sue me! With Elija, I get the time I need to clean up my act. Isn't that what grace is all about? Like it says in Proverbs, you can have your cake and eat it, too!"

Elija's 5-color alert system is broadcast to special pagers and is patterned after the Homeland Terrorism Alert system.

• Green: Low—routine apocalyptic background chatter. Actions: Party on.
• Blue: Guarded—earthquakes and wars 25% higher than median. Actions: Sell California properties and convert stocks to gold.
• Yellow: Elevated—food supplies 25% less than median. Actions: Take the SUV to Costco and max out all credit cards.
• Orange: High—community centers converted to morgues, stars disappearing, mountain retreats and ocean front property at risk. Actions: Pack up the Winnebago—don't forget the DVD collection! Westerners head for Iowa or South Dakota, easterners for Kentucky or Ohio. Marauding gangs of bandits possible in larger cities, so plan to be well-armed.
• Red: Severe—confirmed sightings of angelic beings and asteroids the size of Chicago. Jesus will appear within 72 hours. Actions: Set up lawn chairs and cooler of soft drinks next to the Winnebago. Chill and read the Bible to give a good impression when Jesus arrives. Get familiar with the names of the apostles. Learn to pronounce "Shibboleth". Watch the sky. Jesus will be the glowing white dude on horseback in the clouds. Good time to memorize Amazing Grace.

-CLeH

Ancient ice chest or elaborate hoax?

Evidence of Disciples of Christ Found?

A first century stone ice cooler unearthed in Hebron may be the first evidence for the existence of the disciples of Jesus. Discovered last year, the Yeshiva III ice chest, a popular model sold in Judea around the time of Christ, is engraved with the tantalizing inscription, "Property of James, Peter and John".

"The idea that three first-century Jewish men with these names might co-own an ice chest is simply preposterous, unless these are in fact the very disciples of Jesus," said Dr. Ilian Menchovitz, one of the world's foremost paleographers. "The inscription is absolutely flawless. The Igloo Corporation, which bought out Yeshiva in the fifth century, has certified that the cooler is authentic. What we have here is a priceless piece of Christian history, in my opinion."

Others aren't so sure. Dr. Wilford Deavers, professor of near-eastern studies at Cornell University, claims the inscription has been tampered with. "Ranscroft and I have examined a photograph of the cooler, and we believe we see faint traces of the word "Not!" at the end of the inscription. If we're right, the cooler is probably a knock-off created as a souvenir for an early Christian music festival, then altered in an attempt to increase its value."

Whatever the "case," the faithful have already cast their votes. Thousands of people lined up outside the Antiquities Museum in Tel Aviv yesterday for a chance to see the relic that may once have contained fried chicken and potato salad consumed by the Son of God himself.

-CLeH

William Penn Jihad in training at a secret location near Dallas, Texas.

Militant Quakers Declare Holy War On Southern Baptists

A militant faction of the Disselberg Meeting of The Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) has sent shockwaves through this peace-loving fellowship by declaring an all-out holy war against the Southern Baptist Convention. Calling themselves "William Penn Jihad", the group claims to be following the "light from within" and is calling upon Friends everywhere to take up arms in the cause of peace.

Friend Harold Schwartz, going by the nom de guerre "Sub-Commandante George Fox" issued this chilling statement: "For too long, flag-draped, imperialistic members of the Southern Baptist Convention have distorted the message of the Prince of Peace. Empowered by the satanic leadership of George W. Bush, Bible Belt mega-churches are the world's true "Axis of Evil". We intend to take this fight to the doors of their plush multi-media centers, and we will not relent until Southern Baptists everywhere have repented of their war-mongering and joined us in the cause of universal peace and brotherly love. What sit-ins and candle-light vigils have not accomplished, automatic weapons will."

The Southern Baptist Convention, considered by many analysts to be the most heavily-armed Christian denomination, didn't seem to be taking the threat seriously. When he was told of the situation, spokesman Larry "Jeb" Stuart replied: "Say what? Heavily-armed Quakers? Next you'll be tellin' me that Bob Jones is gonna be the next Pope."

-CLeH

Image of God?

New Hubble Image Stirs Controversy

A newly released image from the Hubble Space Telescope has caused another rift between the scientific community and "creationists". Dr. Ernst Feniman, a renowned astronomer and critic of the "intelligent design cult", as he has often referred to them, made this amazing statement today from the Kitt Peak National Observatory in Arizona: "We have discovered final and irrefutable proof of the hand of God in the universe. Many of my fellow scientists have spent the morning in church, where we were baptized. I've been told that Dr. Stephen Hawking has entered the priesthood. It's an amazing day for humankind—God has revealed himself in the Heavens!"

Creationists, however, were more guarded in their assessment of the image. Dr. Elwin Fleck, of the Institute for the Advancement of Creationism in Del Rio, Texas, claims that the photo, "is a confluence of dust, gaseous materials and dark matter, the peculiar refractive qualities of sunlight, and perhaps a little ole' NASA clumsiness thrown in for good measure. We think a astronaut probably leaned against Hubble's primary mirror while checkin' his boots for cow dung. The photo don't prove anything—it's a trick to get us to agree with them godless scientists, but we ain't gonna fall for it."

Adding to the furor, NASA yanked the image from its web site just hours after it was posted. When asked why it had taken such an unusual step, NASA issued this statement: "We continue to have no official position on the existence or non-existence of God. The alleged photo, if there ever was a photo, is being sent to our alleged secret facilities at Area-51 for further study."

-CLeH