Go to Page 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

The Painter
gleaned by Janie Mannion

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in
making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it
go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

One day the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the
painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because
his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks,and buying
the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The
rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and
knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the
gravestones,
surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! and thin no more!"

Redman Logic

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

More Deep Spiritual Thoughts
Randall F West
The Door Magazine

• What if Robert Schuller wrote a book that said it doesn't matter whether you think positive or not, sin is sin and by golly you better straighten up and fly right buster, or else?
• I bought one of those Spirit-filled Bibles but it just sat there.
• Can you still re-pent even if you've never pented?
• I thought about signing up for short-term missions, but they didn't have anything in the two-hour range.
• I went to Melodyland, but it must have been an off night. It was just some guy talking.
• I tried to go to a reteat but got it backwards and ended up advancing.
• First came the Jesus fish on cars. Then came the Darwin fish. Then came Jesus fish eating Darwin fish. What's next, little Darwin fish with bazookas?
• What if David Wilkerson wrote a book that didn't prophesy doom but instead predicted a time soon to come of unparalled good cheer, high-jinks, and fun.
• They had a fire at Women Aglow, but it was okay. Everyone was saved.
• I went to a Deliverance ministry. When they brought out the banjos, I left.
• Are chain-reference Bibles habit-forming?

Some Alternative WWJD bracelets
Ed L. Wier
The Door Magazine

CREATION
The Door Magazine

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"
Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire,
and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."
The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...

At this point God created Hell.

The Top 12 New Religions for the 21st Century
The Door Magazine

12. X-TREME RELIGION!!!
11. The Holy Lillith Church of the Minor-Keyed Female Vocalist
10. Joe-piscopal
9. Star Trek - The Next Denomination
8. Leonardo DiCatholic
7. Branch Hansonians
6. Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel
5. Microsoft Second Coming 99 beta 4
4. Two words: Buddha Spice
3. Harry Caray-Ishna
2. Crystal Methodist

and the No. 1 New Religion for the 21st Century...

1. Hey Judaism