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"The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes."
— William Davis
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A telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"
Comparitive World Religions
A little lesson in comparative world religions based on the bumper sticker: "He who dies with the most toys wins"
The Door Magazine
Capitalism: He who dies with most toys wins.
Jehovah's Witnesses: He who sells the most toys door-to-door wins.
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys wins.
Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk wins.
Buddhism: He who dies with no toys wins.
Communism: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and whoever is caught selling his toys goes straight to jail.
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.
Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Hinduism: He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals loses.
Mormonism: Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Islam: He who plays only with soldier toys wins.
Anglican: They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.
7th Day Adventist: He who plays with his toys on Saturday loses.
Humanism: Let's the discusss the toy problem.
Gandhi
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Due to his poor diet and deteriorating health, he suffered from very bad breath. Nevertheless he was highly respected as an important spiritual leader.
In other words, he was known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
The Door Magazine
10 Signs You’ve Been Called to be a Prophet
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10 Signs You’ve Been Called to Be a Televangelist.
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1. A seraph laid a live coal on Isaiah’s lips.
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1. You burned you lips on a hot TV dinner.
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2. God told Elijah there were still 3000 who had not bent their knees to Baal.
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2. A still, small voice tells you there are at least 3000 suckers who have not sent in a pledge.
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3. Paul saw a blinding light on the road to Damascus.
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3. A cop pulls you over for speeding as you drive by the TBN studios.
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4. God told Jesus, “This is my beloved Son, in Whom I am well-pleased.”
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4. You hear an audible voice say, “This is my beloved servant, whose palms shall be well-greased.”
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5. Isaiah said, “Here I am Lord, send me.”
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5. You say, “Here I am, you can afford it, send it to me.”
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6. Daniel saw an angel walking in the lion’s den.
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6. You see yourself hawking in every den in America.
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7. Some were major prophets, some were minor prophets.
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7. Your profits start out in the “misdemeanor” category.
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8. David’s sin was murdering Uriah.
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8. Yours is you haven’t shot your set/costume designer.
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9. John The Baptist called the people to wash away their sin.
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9. You launder money collected in your call-in show.
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10. Moses survived the order to kill all the males.
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10. You survive by getting them to reorder through direct mail.
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The Funny Pages + Humorville 7
