TRUE STORIES!
Pirated from Ship of Fools
A young missionary stood in a packed Central African church for the first time. His French was not excellent. He had not distinguished between "arriere" (previous in time), from which the French derive "la vie en arriere" (one's life history), and "derriere" (behind in place), which also refers to your bottom. The young missionary's personal testimony of moving from darkness to light did not have the expected effect... instead, hundreds of African worshippers were squealing with laughter and falling into the aisles...
Lorsque je regarde derriere de moi, qu'est-ce que je peux voir? Je vois ma derriere – une derriere longue et grande. Je vois ma derriere separee en deux parties – l'une partie noire, et l'autre partie blanche. Et entre ces deux parties, qu'est-ce qu'il se trouve? Il se trouve entre les deux parties... une grande abime!
Quick translation into English...
When I look behind me, what can I see? I see my bottom... a great big, long bottom. I see my bottom divided into two halves – one black half and one white half. And what can one see between these two halves? A great abyss!
That's When Daddy Cut the Big One...
This one is a big ol wav sound file (1.5 Mb). Click here to get it. Warning 1) You'll need some, let's say... intestinal fortitude to listen, and Warning 2) worse, it's country and western. :)
Church Bulletin Misprints
Yes you've seen these a million times on the web for the last several years but here they are all in one spot without the letters "FW:" in front of them.
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
The Eighth Day
You like computers, huh? Probably have a PC, huh? Go here for a combo theology/computer joke. (It's too long to put here.)
How Do We Know God Is a Man?
Dawn Abraham
The Door Magazine
Because He had Noah build an ark with no windows.
Because He never apologized for anything He ever did and He never said please or thank you.
Because He always used floods and fire and smoke to get His point across. He never once said it with flowers.
Because He always picked the boys for his teams.
Because He turned water into wine. A woman would've turned it into chocolate.
Because He was born in a barn.
Because He wants ALL our attention ALL the time.
Because He says He's GOD!
The Funny Pages + Humorville 5
