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"Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. "
— Sid Caesar
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If Women Ruled the World 3
gleaned from email forwards
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Gene-Spliced Religions
Pete Court
The Door Magazine |
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As the debate rages over genetically altered foods, a whole new way of living is about to sweep the world as genetically modified religions come on the market. Here’s what will soon be offered:
The Salvation Amish
• Wear military-styled uniforms... with wooden buttons and sandals.
• Provide the homeless with shelter... in their barns.
• The soup kitchen is a large cauldron over an open fire.
Roman Baptists
• Communion everyday and a huge grape juice bill.
• Full-immersion confessionals.
• Lots of fragrance-free censers.
Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Scientologists
• Half the church follow a group of vacuous wannabe pop stars and the other
half are fans of the British singing group.
• Cycling door-to-door singing obnoxious pop ditties.
• Men can marry as many ditsy British pop stars as they like. In the more liberal
wing, so can the women.
Assemblies of Goth
• Huge meeting halls, all blacked out, with masses of candelabras
• Heavy metal choruses sung 20 times by a choir dressed in black with heavy
white face paint and black eye shadow.
• All retreats are to ancient European castles or haunted houses.
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Proposed Sequence of Hal Lindsey Apocalyptic Bestsellers
Ed Wier
The Door Magazine |
- The Late Great Planet Earth
- The Later, Greater Planet Earth
- The Latest, Greatest Planet of Them All
- Planet Earth: Overdue and Overdrawn
- Planet Earth's Last Stand
- Planet Earth: Still Kicking
- The Planet That Would Not Quit
- Fat Lady Mother Earth Is Singing
- Planet Earth on Life Support
- Pulling the Plug on Planet Earth
- Planet Earth: Remember When?
- The Never Ending Story of Planet Earth
- The Late Great Hal Lindsey
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Some Good Ol' American Memory Verses
Just the Way We Remember 'Em
Den Hart
The Door Magazine |
Romans 12.2
Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your Mastercard.
Matthew 8.21
Another man, one of his disciples, said to Him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." And Jesus told him, "OK. No problem - it's just as well that you do that right now - I mean, I wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone."
Colossians 3.5
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Clothe yourselves, therefore, in successful business ventures, a good self-image, polyesters, and a deep tan.
Matthew 18.5
If a brother sins against you, go and tell someone else, but don't approach the brother about it. If he sins against you again, go and tell another person. And if he sins yet again, mention it to someone else, then drop a hint the brother. Sooner or later, he'll get the message. If not, leave the church and find somewhere else to go.
Luke 10.25-27
"Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" He answered, "Love the Lord your God with all your emotions, neglecting your mind, and love yourself first or you can't begin to love others."
Luke 18.22
When Jesus heard this, He said to them, "You still lack one thing - sell all you possess and give it to the poor... ha, ha, just kidding."
1 Corinthians 13.13
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is tongues. |
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Top 10 New Christian Computer Viruses
by Shane Matsumoto
The Door Magazine |
10) The Hugh Ross virus: The whole back of your computer breaks wide open revealing its complexity and design. The shiny-topped monitor attempts to explain what you see using a lot of big words. This virus is NO accident!
9) The Jan Crouch virus: Computer monitor suddenly grows five feet of purple hair, emits annoying, ear-piercing tones, and bounces up and down constantly.
8) Jesus Seminar virus: Calls the most liberal CPUs together, debates between them which files were really authored by you, uses colored beads for ballots, and then discards 93% of the files on your hard drive.
7) The Religious TV Ministry virus: Creates a talk show or preaching program on your hard drive and names it after itself.
6) The John Jacobs and the Power Team virus: Monitor smashes itself against bricks, wood, concrete, and slabs of ice for the glory of God.
5) The Real Y2K virus: The virus itself does nothing, but the world itself destroys itself out of fear and panic anticipating what they think the virus will do.
4) The TBN virus: Seeing itself as the messenger angel described in the Revelation, it holds a telethon to raise money to spread itself to every computer in the whole wide world!
3) The Word of Faith Evangelist virus: Promising prosperity, it breaks into your bank account and promptly drains it of all your assets.
2) The CCM (Contemporary Christian Music) virus: Finds a popular "secular" virus to imitate and then rides on the coattails of the counterpart's popularity while catering exclusively to the Christian subculture.
And finally...
1) The Benny Hinn virus: Infected computer tells you to stretch your hands to the monitor, then blows on you and yells, "TAKE IT!"
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Speciality Bibles You Won't Find at Family Bookstores
Randall West
The Door Magazine |
The Crusty Set in My Ways and Don't You Dare Try to Change Me Bible
An exciting new re-issue of Authorized King James Version, with all its dignity, majesty, and puzzling archaisms. (None of that new fangled Revised Standard Version malarkey, here!) And yes, it is set in stone. |
The Process Bible
The result of 30 years of painstaking work by a multi-denominational team of scholars (including three sub-teams per book, plus five sub-sub-teams per sub-team to track process and group buy-in and order extra bran muffins, with additional working groups to handle meeting coordination and cultural contextivity training. |
The Dental Miracle Support Bible
All verses relating to teeth are in gold! Special features include storage pouch for dental x-rays, seven flavors of floss, and saliva-proof mouth cam to get snaps of those hard-to-see molars. |
The Jesus Seminar Bible
It's perforated! This allows easy removal of passages the Seminar has deemed doubtful, spurious, or that don't go with the decor in Paul Verhoeven's rumpus room. Also includes instructions on how to make paper doilies with what's left. |
The Ever Lovin' Tree Huggin' Eco Bible
Made of 100% post-consumer recycled materials. Includes introduction and insights from Moon Pi, resident centering specialist at the Center for Creation Centered Spirituality Center. Study helps include concordance of herbs include concordance of herbs of the Bible and how to smoke them. Covers available in natural moss, humus, or mildew. |
The LDS Correctly Translated Bible
Promised for more than a century, has now been cancelled indefinitely. |
The Buffy the Vampire Slayer Stake-'Em-in-the-Heart Feminist Judge Bible
For Grrrrls who really want to get rrradical. Not for the faint of heart. Warning: Assassination is a violation of local and federal statutes and may make you miss your next poetry slam. Covers available in leather & titanium or cold-rolled steel. Stake not included. |
The Jehovah's Witness Anti-Trinitarian Bible
All verses to the Trinity have been edited to reflect the latest JW scholarship (dating from the early 1930's). Special features include a list of all failed prophecies and doctrinal loop-de-loops by JW leadership with plausible sounding but confusing explanations for each. Extra Special Feature: Witnessing "brownie points" calculator for door-to-door work. |
The Sophia (Wisa Gal) Bible
All gender references have been feminized in this version, and the name of God appears as Sophia (or wisdom) in accordance with recent feminist studies. Patriarchal chapter/verse references have been replaced with markings based on high/low tides of the moon. |
The Sophia Backsliders' "Man Catcher" Bible
Includes tips on how to get that godly man down the aisle. Extensive make-up and fashion concordance. Especially helpful verses are underlined in red lipstick. Even more helpful verses have red kiss marks in the margin. |
The Anti-Charismatic Bible
Contains extensive commentaries explaining why although the Apostle Paul spoke in tongues, the gift is "not for today" and those indulging in it are probably psychotic, or at least do their shopping at K-Mart. Plus: New state-of-the-art Tongues Director technology triggers a silent alarm to Dallas Theological Seminary if any glossolalia is detected within 100 feet. |
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The Funny Pages + Humorville 4
