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"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. "
— Francis Bacon
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Mormon’s Lord’s Prayer
by Shane Matsumoto
The Door Magazine |
Our Father
... in a planet far, far away
Pregnant be they dames.
Bringham Young, and Bringham often
On Earth while we bicycle them
into our personal planets in heaven
Give us this day our Winter Olympics
And forgive us our Debts
Accrued from bribing the Olympic Commitee.
And lead us not into monogamy,
But deliver us from Federal Law and international scorn.
For thine are the Caucasian spirits
and the geneological records
and our special underwear forever.
Amen
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10 Reasons to be Worried About Your Church
by Craig Mosher
The Door Magazine |
10. Stained glass windows depict scenes from Armageddon.
9. Fears of malaria surge as big hair allows deadly mosquitoes to multiply.
8. Pastor’s designated parking place is a helicopter pad.
7. Ushers brandish cattle prods during the offering.
6. Seeker-sensitive approach to common-cup communion features the question, “Would you like fries with that?”
5. Desperate choir director resorting to high-pressure tacticsfor recruitment, including a hired thug named Guido.
4. All singles have been exiled to monasteries and cloisters, some taken kicking and screaming from their messy apartments late at night.
3. Organist is a former employee of Roller-Rama Skating Park.
2. Pastor showing dangerous Amway tendencies.
1. Levitical stonings in the courtyard make before-service coffee and donuts less and less appealing. |
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Buddhist Carols That Never Quite Made It
The Door Magazine |
Oh Little Town of Bohd Gaya (How Still We See Thee Lie)
Here Comes Lama Tsoh, Here Comes Lama Tsoh, Right Down Lama Tsoh Lane
I’m Dreaming of a White Tara
Hark, the Herald Sangha Sing (Glory to Cherdup Ram Ling)
Oh Bohdi Tree, Oh Bohdi Tree (Your branches strong enlighten us)
We Three Roshis of Kamakura (Sitting still we travel afar)
Deck the Halls with Bells and Dorjes (Om mani padme hum, om, om ah hum)
We Wish You a Merry Karma!
The Little Dharma Boy (Come, they told me, prajna parapum)
O Come, Bodhisattvas, Joyful and Enlightened (Oh come ye, o come ye, to Bodh Gaya)
The Krishna Song (Lentils boiling on an open fire, butter tea nipping at your nose)
Jingle Bell (Jingle Bell, sit) |
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Things to Show that World That Christians Can Live on the Edge, Too!!!
gleaned from the Internet |
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your email address is Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
4) Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put a garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.
9) Reply to everything someone says with "That's what you think."
10) Finish all sentences with "in accordance with prophecy."
11) Don't use any punctuation
12) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
14) Sing along at the opera.
15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
16) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.
17) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
18) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"
20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "They're loose! They're loose!!!"
21) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that are bothering me. It's the voices in your head that do."
22) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." |
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Ten Things to Really Like About Christian TV
Kyle Minor
The Door Magazine |
#10 Everyone seems so genuine.
#9 The production values are so much better than that network stuff.
#8 The theological clarity of the guests help me to understand the Bible better.
#7 The music is just amazing.
#6 The game shows, especially Bible Trivia, help me to remember important facts, like the age of Abraham's wife when she had Isaac.
#5 The merchandise for sale during the commercial breaks helps me to share my faith with my friends. Especially the Christian T-shirts and the Christian candy and the Christian phone calling card.
#4 Two words: eye shadow. I get the best makeup tips!
#3 The scrolling words at the bottom of the screen really help me keep in contact with what's going on in the Christian community.
#2 The variety shows, especially Swan's Place, are good, old-time entertainment, free of anything offensive, including humor, bad language, unbiblical portrayals of family life, witty satire, lustful objects of desire, and good writing.
#1 The way Christian TV is impacting the culture for Christ. I mean, everyone I run into at the supermarket says, "I used to think Christians were just a bunch of fakes who did things poorly and tried to exploit and profit off the weakest in the community. But then I saw TBN. Boy, was I wrong!" |
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True Stories!
Pirated from Ship of Fools |
| A Lutheran pastor was gaining momentum in the delivery of his sermon on the Devil's crafty attacks on the faithful. He meant to say: "and the devil's fiery darts," but to everyone's surprise, he uttered... "and the Devil's diary farts." |
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Taliban TV Guide
Kathy Harris-Zmudka
The Door Magazine
Note: This was done pre-9.11 |
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7 PM
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8PM
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9 PM
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MON
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Wheel of Fortune and Terror |
Religious Police Chases |
Apprehended Moderates Say the Darndest Things |
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TUE
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Heresy He Wrote |
Who Wants to be a Martyr for Allah? |
Sharia Law and Order:
Segregated Victim's Unit |
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WED
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(Retro TV Night)
My Three Sons, Their 200 Wives, Concubines, and Camels |
Smile! You're on Taliban Camera! |
Have Stinger Missile, Will Travel |
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THU
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Inspirational Programming:
The Year 700 Club |
Jamal the Infidel Slayer |
You Can't Say, Think. or Do That! |
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FRI
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Afganistan's Funniest Execution Bloopers |
Lifestyles of the Sheiks and Mullahs |
The Price is Right, If the Taliban Says So |
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SAT
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Taliban MTV Exclusive:
Long, Cool Woman in a Shapeless, Black Shroud |
Touched by an Islamic Jihad Martyr |
ER - "Not!" |
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SUN
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The Simpsons in Kabul:
Homer sells out to work for the Bin Ladens at their nuclear plant just outside Kabul |
The X-Patriate Files:
Mustapha, now working alone, tracks Taliban dissidents in various cities |
Eye-For-an-Eye Witness News |
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The Funny Pages + Humorville 3
